I’m just going to rant. I’m going to say what is on my mind without holding back anything. I’m going to just let it all out.

I’m fat. I hate myself. I need to lose weight. No one takes me seriously when I’m just this fat slob. I have no control. My mom controls me. Society controls me. My mind controls me. I need to be perfect. I can’t screw up. No, not this time. I need to finally succeed. I need to be so skinny everyone talks about my weight behind my back. I need to get all A’s (some B’s are okay too) and transfer into an AMAZING school. I need to get into all of the schools I apply too. I WILL get into UCLA, Berkeley, Pitzer, and USC. I will not let anyone convince me to give it all up to get “help”. This is my last shot. My last chance to prove to myself I’m not a complete failure. This is the time for me to finally become so sickly looking that my mom finally realizes that I am sick. So that she finally will HEAR me. So she finally will UNDERSTAND the pain I’m in. This is the time for me to prove to everyone and myself that I am smart and will go places in life. This is the time to make Broda wish he never gave up on me, to see what a catch I am. This is the time for me to be able to still be young, to make the most of the next couple years before I have to grow up. I don’t want to grow up. I’m not ready. I’m scared. Responsibilities. Pressure. Being on my own. Having no one. No one to bail me out or take care of me. Needing to get a job. Needing to think about the FUTURE. My PLANS. Who am I? I don’t know who I am. All I know is that I hate myself and I’m a weird loser who is different from everybody else. I’m that fat, fucked up, loser. The one who is awkward around everyone. The one who would rather stay home than go out. The one who gets SO anxious when talking to anybody. The one who is so insecure, so haunted by what others are thinking of her. I’m THAT girl. The weird, awkward, out-of-place, fucked up girl who spends most of her days anxiously going over every part of her life in her head. Flashbacks. Memories. Expectations. Wanting it to all just stop.

I want it to just be silent.

If even for just a little while.

I dream of a minute. Just a minute. Where I can just be content with myself and the world around me. Where I can just be calm, free of all the thoughts, memories, flash backs. Just one minute. 60 seconds. That would make a world of a difference.

But I can never get a minute. I can never escape the hell in my head. I am trapped, and forever will be. There is no way out…is there? If there is, I haven’t found it yet.

Greedy. Selfish. Stupid. Loser. Weird. Fat. FAT. Ugly. Awkward. Socially anxious. Failure. Screw up. Mistake. Devil child. Takes up too much space. Takes up too much time. Takes up too much money. For what? Nothing. Not worth it. Worthless. Misunderstood. Confused. Scared. Torn-up. Breaking. Fading. Falling. Screaming. Silently. No one HEARS. They listen, but do not hear. Hear my cry. Hear my pain. Hear my guilt. Hear the dagger in my heart. Please, someone, just HEAR. ME.

Please.